i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
