so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
