You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
