So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
That accounts for only three of the penises
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
