Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
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