I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
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