I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
