This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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