So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
