I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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