you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
