I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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