There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
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