I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
