Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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