You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
