Need sex. Gaining weight.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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