Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
