Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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