It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Randomize
