Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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