why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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