Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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