Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
