I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
