I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
