bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
