I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
