apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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