I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
