my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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