I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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