i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
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