you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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