Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Swine flu is the new snow day.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
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