so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
