Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
