i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
