i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
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