some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
