see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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