Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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