Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
