I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
