There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
