She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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