All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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