first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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