i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
