I didn't shave. On purpose
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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